Grad School

My higher self says give it to god and move on. My higher self says I can feel the energy and be one with the universe, in touch with my knowing, follow my intuiton and wherever my personal map leads me. 

The schema that guides me is not one I can change or one I would like to. At school, they said I was like a fireman who could not work because of a heart condition and a woman with too much trauma to be a therapist. I failed an Intro to Family Therapy course that was all about disclosing details regarding my upbringing in my family of origin—I began to feel that they were holding me back to research and commodifying my mind. 

They wanted me to go into further detail and break down each step of my thinking—to explain, explain, and explain some more. And now I find myself stopping halfway instead of moving straight through what I know I should do: with conviction and strength like I always have done. 

As a prisoner of war, which is what I call myself, I have always had a whole self that I keep and a boundary that I maintain. 

But the trauma that occurred in the context of my religion and other aspects of identity led to a collapse: I could not contain: it continued and continued until I felt like shattered glass. 

But the thing with me is that I buffer my post-traumatic stress and minimize what is coming next. I use art and I tap. I exercise and breathe. I find different skills I write and I socialize. 

And I make time for friends and relationships that matter to me. And I find that when I leave the environment that I feel held hostage in — one that is dangerous and unsafe — I find introspection and insight I did not have before, and that buffer that I used throughout my fight—keeps me alive.